I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
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Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.