Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
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Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect