Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
when dads have a rap battle
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Golf would be better with landmines.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.