on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
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I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
We decided to have money instead of children.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…