I would like even faster food.
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shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
this is so top tier i cant
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.