Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
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Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Digital security in Ancient Troy
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
when dads have a rap battle
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount