You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
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Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.