I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”