I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
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me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Duck typos.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.