Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
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Software Development ⛵️
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.