Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
huge valentines day plans this year!!
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”