If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
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Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?