Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
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Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”