I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
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I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
The booster protects against what, now?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Me too 😆
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.