Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
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my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Kids: Stay in school.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day