Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
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[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
No, I don’t think I will.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.