My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
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Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.