I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
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Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Fries, not lies.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”