Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
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Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol