I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
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Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
War & Peace
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.