CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
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Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I didn’t realize that was an option
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Webb. James Webb.