CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
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Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Rambo Rambow
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car