Milk Cube
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator