I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
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No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Go hard or stay average
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*