I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
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*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
A friend sent me this.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I hope it’s French Onion!
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.