I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
You had me at “define legal”.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH