I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
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Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
6. me as a lawyer
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.