Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
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You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
describing stardew valley
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?