My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
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Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.