“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
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why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
When you try jalapeños for the first time
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
How to woo a woman
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart