Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
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My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?