I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
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If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
If snakes were wide
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now