My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
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I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
This is the best one I’ve seen
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk