I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
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12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Got him!
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.