I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.