You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.