DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
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Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
That earthquake could have been an email.