i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate