If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
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If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon