I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
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How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops