I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.