“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
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Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.