NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
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Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure