I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
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I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.