I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
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Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
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Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!