I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
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I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
The fall of Netflix
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient