imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
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me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Happy Caturday!
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?