Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Childbirth is so beautiful
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I’m tired tomorrow.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.