guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
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Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here