Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
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My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.